Beyond the Fear

I did something today that literally took every once of bravery I could summon from within. I left the job I've been at for the last three years. This job, as I established many months ago, had been exactly what I needed at the exact time that I needed it. It was truly divine intervention for my family. And to this day I will always be thankful for that and for that job. I made friends that I will never forget. I worked hard and diligently, giving that company the best of me for three years. At the end, things got hard for me. And my own mental health exacerbated the situation. But last week it literally broke me. Months ago, I had this little voice in my head that said it was time to walk away. But I don't have anything else in place to fully replace it, I countered. I can stick it out a little longer... a little longer... a little longer. Things got harder and harder, and more days than not I found myself in tears at one point in my day. The weight of extreme stress and anxiety was crippling me. And last week I broke. Into a million pieces. I knew it was time to walk away. And then a little voice in my head said to me, you've finally listened. 

That same day I pulled an affirmation from my deck of cards The Universe Has Your Back... it said: The key to prayer is to forget what I think I need.

All that time I was praying for God to make me strong so that I could stick it out until I knew my next move. I prayed that He would lead me to peace... little did I know that all along what I needed to do was simply let go of what I thought I needed and just be open to where I was being led next. For so long, I didn't listen to that voice and I told myself I could bend, more and more. But He is stronger than me and He broke me. Not because He wants me to hurt, but instead He wants to grow me back up in a new image.

Today was my last day with that company. It's bittersweet. I am leaving behind some good people and patients that I have built relationships with over the years. I'm both excited and terrified of what lies ahead. It's scary to walk into the darkness of uncertainty. But the time has come for me to take the steps. I have come to a place where standing still, where not taking action is more painful than my fear is of the uncertainty that is before me. I am excited to be able to take my career in a new direction as I take on professional writing work. This is what I had wanted all along. It's what God had put inside me and I'm finally ready to step into this new role.

I know I'm going to fail wherever I'm going. It's a new journey. How could I not fail? If I can burst through the doors of new adventures and master everything from the very first step, then I am in the wrong place and on the wrong journey. How could I ever expect to grow if I'm not challenged? How could I ever expect to succeed if I wasn't given the chance to also fail? Failure is not defeat. It's not the end. It's a lesson. One that can fortify me in my journey ahead.

By letting go, truly releasing, I am allowing myself the chance to move forward. By no longer holding onto what was hurting me, I can now operate at a higher frequency, one that aligns with the direction I am moving in. You attract what you're ready for. I was spending all of my energy holding onto something that was slowly killing me- my joy, my spirit, and for what? The kicker here is that although it was the job that made things so hard, it was ultimately me who made things worse by choosing, every day, to step back into that. And for what? I needed to go somewhere that challenged me, that excited me, that was going to take me in new directions- the sky is the limit and a whole new world has been opened to me as I move forward toward what I love.

Today I let go. And I'm stepping into uncertainty. It's quite possible I'm crazy. But playing it safe never got anyone anywhere- it never made dreams come true. I am deciding to not let mediocrity hold me back from what burns inside of me, what sets my soul on fire. Mediocrity killed more dreams that failure did, anyway. I thought I was going to meet doubt from the people closest to me. I was anticipating the lecture of irresponsibility, that I was being selfish, that it was too risky. And you know what? I got none of that. It sure does make me love my circle even more. Especially my amazing husband who told me it was okay to walk away, who let me know it was okay to finally say no. That it was time to follow my dreams. My family, my friends, they all knew I wasn't using my full potential. And they know that I can do whatever it is that I want to do. I've got it in me. They believe in me. I had to find a way to believe in myself. So I took a leap... right off the cliff... and left that place to start something new.

I'm sure that over the next few weeks I will waver between excitement and doubt, but the decision has been made. And in this moment, my resolve is strong because I know that I did not come this far to only come this far. It's hard, yes. But I was made to do hard things.