Past the Starting Line

Six months ago I poured out to all of my readers about the difficult decision I made to leave my cushy job. Well, it wasn't all that cushy, but it was a good and steady paycheck. I thought I was losing my mind the day I turned in my resignation. I was about to step out on my own, the road before me unpaved and full of uncertainty.

But I've learned since then that it is indeed true that when everything is uncertain, all things are possible.

I took a leap. I decided to let go of what I thought things had to look like, and let God, let the universe, let my destiny take control and guide me where I needed to be. Looking back I have found that there are things that have come across my path that I don't think ever would have met me on the road had I not walked away from where I was. They were meant to meet me on my new journey, on that unpaved road I decided to take.

Today was a pivotal day for me and it showed me how far I've truly come. Back in January, I met an incredible woman and she loved my vision and the work that I did. I was writing professionally at the time, but I hadn't replaced that former income. But she saw all kind of potential in me and we came together to create something new for both of us. So today, I very excitedly and nervously stood up in front of a room filled with amazing business professionals and entrepreneurs, and I got to teach about content marketing and the value of a professional writer. I was, honestly, so nervous (writers tend to be more introverted than extroverted so standing up there was a new experience) that there are entire moments of my presentation that I don't remember. I had this problem in college, too. Speech terror blackouts. It is really is a thing. At least for me, anyway!

The point of my story is this... I had to get out of my own way to make room for good things to come to me. Six months ago I would have laughed if you told me I would be co-hosting a workshop on the power of words. Me...??!! Yes, Nicole... You!

You are the dreamer of your dreams. The key is to take a deep breath and leap. It was scary as hell. But the thought of standing on that edge any longer was killing me, and I had no choice but to jump if I wanted things to be different, to be better, if I wanted to find happiness. I haven't looked back once. I'm certainly not where I want to be, but I'm no longer on the starting line. And there's a lot to be said for that. Do I miss things like my Audible account? A little bit. But it was better to sacrifice my audiobook account rather than to let myself be the sacrifice.

What are you sacrificing... is it yourself? What's holding you back?

Fear is a Liar

Today I can't help but think of a quote by 18th century poet William Blake:

"I must create a system or be enslaved by another man's; I will not reason and compare: my business is to create."

As I step into the second day of Rachel Hollis's Last 90 Days challenge, I can't help but let these words burrow deep inside of me. They inspire me. They affirm the knowledge that I am like nobody else, and no one can do what I can the way that I do it. The same goes for you. What is the thing that makes you different? Do you suppress the flame burning inside or do you feed the fire, letting it grow bigger and bigger?

Why do we tend to suppress the flame rather than feed it? Fear. Fear of failure. Fear of other people's opinions of our dreams. Fear that we do not matter. But fear is a liar. Here are some simple truths:

You are brave.
You are strong.
You are worthy.
You are enough.

It's our thoughts that influence our action. And action is how we get results. What are your results? Do you have the things you want? Are you where you want to be? It all starts with what we tell ourselves. And the sooner we can tell ourselves those truths, the sooner we can believe them. They are what will give us the courage to act- to follow through with our purpose. Those thoughts are how we get to where we want to be. And to who we want to be.

Those truths are hard to believe. At first. We are so used to not believing in ourselves- for living in the system of another man- but create your own system. Repeat those truths to yourself every day. A hundred times a day. Over and over. Make them your mantra. And the day will come when you will believe them. They will begin to resonate. They will begin to strengthen your resolve. They will give you courage. It's your business to create. You have a purpose only meant for you. Don't compare yourself to others. You only owe it to yourself to be who you are. I dare you to step out of another man's system, to create your own. Let go of the lies- change that inner voice. Do this and I am confident you will then be ready to step out from behind your own shadow, from the limitations of someone else's system... and create who you are meant to be.

Beyond the Fear

I did something today that literally took every once of bravery I could summon from within. I left the job I've been at for the last three years. This job, as I established many months ago, had been exactly what I needed at the exact time that I needed it. It was truly divine intervention for my family. And to this day I will always be thankful for that and for that job. I made friends that I will never forget. I worked hard and diligently, giving that company the best of me for three years. At the end, things got hard for me. And my own mental health exacerbated the situation. But last week it literally broke me. Months ago, I had this little voice in my head that said it was time to walk away. But I don't have anything else in place to fully replace it, I countered. I can stick it out a little longer... a little longer... a little longer. Things got harder and harder, and more days than not I found myself in tears at one point in my day. The weight of extreme stress and anxiety was crippling me. And last week I broke. Into a million pieces. I knew it was time to walk away. And then a little voice in my head said to me, you've finally listened. 

That same day I pulled an affirmation from my deck of cards The Universe Has Your Back... it said: The key to prayer is to forget what I think I need.

All that time I was praying for God to make me strong so that I could stick it out until I knew my next move. I prayed that He would lead me to peace... little did I know that all along what I needed to do was simply let go of what I thought I needed and just be open to where I was being led next. For so long, I didn't listen to that voice and I told myself I could bend, more and more. But He is stronger than me and He broke me. Not because He wants me to hurt, but instead He wants to grow me back up in a new image.

Today was my last day with that company. It's bittersweet. I am leaving behind some good people and patients that I have built relationships with over the years. I'm both excited and terrified of what lies ahead. It's scary to walk into the darkness of uncertainty. But the time has come for me to take the steps. I have come to a place where standing still, where not taking action is more painful than my fear is of the uncertainty that is before me. I am excited to be able to take my career in a new direction as I take on professional writing work. This is what I had wanted all along. It's what God had put inside me and I'm finally ready to step into this new role.

I know I'm going to fail wherever I'm going. It's a new journey. How could I not fail? If I can burst through the doors of new adventures and master everything from the very first step, then I am in the wrong place and on the wrong journey. How could I ever expect to grow if I'm not challenged? How could I ever expect to succeed if I wasn't given the chance to also fail? Failure is not defeat. It's not the end. It's a lesson. One that can fortify me in my journey ahead.

By letting go, truly releasing, I am allowing myself the chance to move forward. By no longer holding onto what was hurting me, I can now operate at a higher frequency, one that aligns with the direction I am moving in. You attract what you're ready for. I was spending all of my energy holding onto something that was slowly killing me- my joy, my spirit, and for what? The kicker here is that although it was the job that made things so hard, it was ultimately me who made things worse by choosing, every day, to step back into that. And for what? I needed to go somewhere that challenged me, that excited me, that was going to take me in new directions- the sky is the limit and a whole new world has been opened to me as I move forward toward what I love.

Today I let go. And I'm stepping into uncertainty. It's quite possible I'm crazy. But playing it safe never got anyone anywhere- it never made dreams come true. I am deciding to not let mediocrity hold me back from what burns inside of me, what sets my soul on fire. Mediocrity killed more dreams that failure did, anyway. I thought I was going to meet doubt from the people closest to me. I was anticipating the lecture of irresponsibility, that I was being selfish, that it was too risky. And you know what? I got none of that. It sure does make me love my circle even more. Especially my amazing husband who told me it was okay to walk away, who let me know it was okay to finally say no. That it was time to follow my dreams. My family, my friends, they all knew I wasn't using my full potential. And they know that I can do whatever it is that I want to do. I've got it in me. They believe in me. I had to find a way to believe in myself. So I took a leap... right off the cliff... and left that place to start something new.

I'm sure that over the next few weeks I will waver between excitement and doubt, but the decision has been made. And in this moment, my resolve is strong because I know that I did not come this far to only come this far. It's hard, yes. But I was made to do hard things.

Dream Bigger Than Yourself

Do you have an idea, a dream, that is bigger than you? I sincerely hope so. Having big dreams is a great motivation to get out of bed every day. It's a great motivation to get out into the world. But are you ever afraid of that dream? Afraid it's too big? Afraid you're not worthy of something that great? Afraid of what others would think of it?

Oh, girl, I am right there with you. But you know what, that dream, that little voice inside of you telling you what you really want, that's your voice. The voice was put there by the all greater universe. And only you have that voice. For so many things in our lives, we, women, play it small. We undermine and devalue what our hearts want. We're afraid to be judged. But here's the truth... you are important. You matter. You have a place. Dreaming big is hard, I get it. But personally, I think that not having big dreams is even harder. 

I often waiver between being terrified that my dreams are too crazy, and wild, and unattainable (what makes me special enough for that great BIG dream?) and wanting more, desperately ready to take off like a rocket after what I want. Do you waiver like that?

But I'm at a point in my life where my fears of not going after what I want are greater than my fears of staying small. I don't care how crazy people think I am. I don't care how many nos I get on my way. By damn, I am going to do this. I will, in one way or another, make this happen.

"It was about no longer being the kind of person who takes what she can get, and finally becoming the kind of person who creates exactly what she wants."

Jen Sincero

I took a four year hiatus from my writing. My last novel was released in late summer of 2014. And then I stopped. Okay, I didn't completely stop. I did occasionally write things that came to mind. But forty, fifty, sixty pages later I tanked those pages all together. Every time. Then I got to the point where I thought, maybe I'm not really a writer, because... HELLO! I'm not writing. Then the other night I had a realization about this. I went to the anticipated encore of Made For More by Rachel Hollis. I've already established my girl crush on her. But she said something that really resonated with me. We all have seasons that we go through. And sometimes those times in our lives demand all our attention and focus. It doesn't mean those things in our heart matter any less to us, but rather that there are other things that need us in those moments. When I look back at the whole picture of my life in the last four years I see two huge events that monopolized all of me, both physically and emotionally. First, I had a medical diagnosis in October of 2014. It rocked my world and created a major upheaval in my life. And I had to give it everything I had. I still have to. And then there is my son. It was shortly after that book release, that his problems with his (at that time, un-diagnosed) Dyslexia emerged, going strong. Getting the help he needed- both with psychologists and the school became a full-on war that I had to fight. It took everything in me. Every ounce of determination I had was poured into what I could do to help my son. I read, and studied, and picked apart EVERYTHING that I could. I learned about what Dyslexia was (I had a very narrow, naive understanding of it), I learned what kind of doctors he needed, the testing he needed, what his rights where, what resources we had... you name it... I learned it. And it took battle after battle, but I got that boy the IEP at school that he needed. I'm entirely certain there are people at his school that think I was an absolute pain in the ass, but you know what? I. Don't. Care. And you know what else? I got what I needed. 

Now it's a new season in my life. And I get to go back to pouring my heart and soul onto the pages I write. Whether it be this blog, professional freelance work I do, or my manuscript I'm working on, I am back to writing. Because I have been a writer all along.

Hello great BIG dream.... I'm coming for you!