Hanging In There

People tell me that Girl, Dream It inspires them. And I love hearing that. I pour my heart into everything I write. But let me tell you, some days I am a hot mess who really needs to take her own advice. Today is so one of those days. In fact, the last few weeks I've been teetering on the very edge of sanity and complete breakdown. And today I am just lying in bed, crying, and watching Disney movies. Yep, that's right- I'm checked out.

I said in my last post that I've been sick. So I'll share some of my struggle with you. And even if this is one of those posts that most people overlook, I think it will still be good for me to get it out. Over the summer I struggled with horrible abdominal pain. It put me in the ER one night. Which ended up being just an expensive waste of time. I was referred to a specialist, one that wasn't going to just be scope-happy and want to dive right into my stomach to take a look around. I'd been down that road already. It took forever to get into the recommended doctor- so I just put up with the daily discomfort and random days of torturous pain. I finally got a diagnosis- SIBO. I had never even heard of that. It's basically an overgrowth of bacteria in the small intestine. That's actually what SIBO stands for: Small Intestine Bacteria Overgrowth. I went on an antibiotic and within a couple weeks I felt good again. Actually, I felt great! Sometimes you don't really realize how bad something is until it's no longer there.

The World Series- specifically cheering
on the Red Sox- was a great distraction!
(Pointing at AWESOME-sauce
Steve Pearce)

Then October hit... and I noticed I was dropping weight. Rapidly. And I changed nothing in my eating habits. I commented to a few people and looked into possible causes and I chalked it up to a side effect of one of my medications. Then the pain hit- like double over, bring me to my knees pain. Eating became difficult- my belly would swell up and I would look 3 months pregnant. I knew it was the SIBO- dang thing returned. Over the course of a week, I had phone conversations with my GI doc and he called in a few prescriptions- long story short, nothing was improving. In fact, it was harder and harder to eat anything and when I did I was in pain and nauseous. So I only ate what I had to to get by. Like a banana a day. Maybe a muffin. Although one day I finally broke down and ate a Del Taco taco- my tummy didn't like it, but my head and heart enjoyed every moment of it!

Yesterday the doc did an emergency scope. And by emergency, I don't mean they rushed me into the hospital. Just that he only does EGDs once a week and I was a must on his schedule that day. It was imperative. He was completely booked but they made room for me anyway. My results were less than stellar. Turns out I've got a rare (like, less than .1% of the population rare) muscle disorder that inhibits my stomach's ability to break down food. Which is then introducing the bacteria into my gut to cause the SIBO. So tomorrow I get to go in for a test- 4-10 hours long. They'll load me up on radioactive food and photograph my stomach at work to determine the severity. Sounds fun, huh? Thankfully, my dear friend volunteered to come with me so I don't have to be alone. And I have my fingers crossed it will take closer to 4 hours and not 10 since it's Halloween and I really don't want to miss my kids all dressed up.

Today I'm just emotional about everything. It's not a disorder that can be cured, but hopefully managed between medication and a major diet overhaul. Pureed meat anybody? No? Just me?

I know it's okay to just not be okay. And that's me today. And probably for the next little bit. But then I'll put on my big girl panties and just figure it out. And move forward. Because that's really the only option, right? Rachel Hollis says, "I know that not everything happens for a reason. But it is possible to find purpose in everything." This isn't a life or death situation. Really, just more inconvenient than anything. And kind of painful at the moment, but that will be worked out in time. I'll absolutely figure this out and get through it on the other side because I know I can handle hard things. My life's history proves that. It's discouraging to get all the weird, rare things. I mean, how many times can you get things that less than 1% of the pop get? Even medication side effects... mine are often so rare that the docs (the pharmacists, too) have to look them up. I think that by the time I'm 90, I will be bionic woman and will live my life like I'm in my 20s again. Here's to hoping, right? In the meantime, I'm going to cry, and vent to my friends and family and amazing husband, and hug my children until they complain just because they bring peace to my heart, and I'm going to get through this. I will find purpose and a way to use this for some good. And I will just be grateful it's not something worse.

But today I am just going to let myself be okay with not being okay.