I WILL NOT BE SMALL- God made me destined for great things

My last post mentioned Girl, Wash Your Face. And I'm going to mention it again. Rachel Hollis speaks to my heart. When it comes to writing, I was born with a spark, and recent events and people have stoked that small flame, but her book is like gasoline to that flame! She makes me feel like I could run a marathon. Okay, not literally, because I would be dying after even one mile. No joke. But she gives me perspective I've never considered. She sings the song of my soul. She bluntly points out things that deep down I've maybe already known but have refused to give merit to. And then she explains why I've been quiet for so long. Chapter 12: The lie: I need to make myself smaller. At first I hadn't a clue what she meant. Do I really make myself small? How? I don't understand this. But after listening (I'm doing this book on audible) I realized OMG... I AM making myself small! Let me explain.

Psalm 139:14 tells me that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made." Because of my Christian faith, I'm familiar with many versus from the bible. And there are some that move me to my bones. But I had never thoroughly given this one the consideration it deserves. This verse tells me that God made me exactly the way I am meant to be. I need to STOP trying to be someone else- anyone else- other than who I was destined to be.  By not following through and living up to my God-given potential, I am making myself small. (Remember, the 'small' concept comes from Rachel. I'm just expanding on it and how her genius relates to my life.) So, why do I make myself small? Well, if I'm honest, bluntly honest, with myself... I make my self small because I am afraid. I'm afraid! I'm afraid I'm not thin enough, not patient enough with my kids, appreciative enough with my husband, kind enough to both people I love AND people I dislike. I'm afraid I don't drive a nice enough vehicle, or live in a grand house, or make enough money. And here's the fear that's been standing in the way and preventing me from following one of my biggest, deepest, longest running dreams... remember that lofty, very BIG dream from my last post... to sell my books (specifically a million, but who's counting?). To be a legit author. I'm afraid I'm not good enough. There, I said it.

Rachel puts it so eloquently when she says, "...many women are walking around, living in half of their personality and in doing so are denying who their Creator made them to be. Do you really think that God made you, unique and wonderful you, in the hopes you would deny your true self because it might be off-putting to others?" Well said, girl. I do this. I totally and completely do this. I am so concerned about what other people think of me, my writing, my dreams (especially that lofty, very BIG dream) that I lack any kind of confidence to embrace my God-given talents and the fire that my Creator put inside me. I am so afraid of being judged... being laughed at, that I deny who God made me to be.

When people ask me what I do for my job, I always tell them that I work in sales. I rarely mention that I'm a writer. And if it does come up it's always described as a hobby. Why? I have two published novels. They may not have sold anywhere near that million copies I'm dreaming of, but they have sold. And I have true and loyal followers- people who tell me all the time that when they picked up my books they were unable to put them down. They read them in a weekend. Or less! And it always makes my day to hear this. So why, then, am I not proud to announce "I am a writer!" when people ask what I do? Sure, my sales job brings in the money, for the most part, but that person that God made... that uniquely made woman... she's a writer. I even have a tattoo that says writer. I'm not sure if that makes me cool or not (it also includes a semi-colon... the whole 'the ability to stop but the choice to continue' idea). So why am I afraid and hide it? I was confident enough to tattoo myself- actually brand myself- with that title. I shouldn't be afraid to own it to other people.

Last post I said I was getting back in the game. And so I ask myself, why'd I ever get out in the first place? I let everything else in my life become an excuse not to do what I love because I am afraid. Until this moment I didn't even realize that I disguised that fear and mislabled it by saying I didn't have time. And although that is partly true, the reality is that I didn't make time. I didn't trust in myself, in my skills, and in my dreams enough to make time for them.

"There are hundreds of ways to lose yourself. But the easiest of them all is refusing to acknowledge who you truly are in the first place. You, the real you is not an accident. Those dreams you have for yourself are not silly. They are the road map to your divine calling." - Rachel Hollis, Girl, Wash Your Face.

I was not made to be small. I was created for great things. And that's not even just limited to my writing. Take my kids, for example. I was created to be their mom. No one else's mom... theirs. Which means God entrusted me to raise them up in His image, to be good, honest people. To be leaders and world-changers (however that looks for each of them). My marriage is another example. I'm a sucker for love stories, but the one I have with my husband is my favorite. I was made to be great for him.

It's time to step out, to be bold. To be the best version of myself and become exactly who God has called me by name to be. I will not be small.