Learning to Let Go- Other People's Opinions Don't Matter

Calleigh, Me, Ashley & Jeri
The amazing friends I made in college

Happy Monday! And for us... first day of summer! I finished my book (that I was reading, not writing). I loved it. It helped me think about my perspectives, challenge the status-quo of my life, and ultimately inspire me to do bigger things. This post required some total honesty with you- and I tell a story I hate to drudge up- to expose my vulnerability and challenge my own voice that is the biggest thing to hold me back in my own life.

Learning to let go of things is one of my most difficult challenges. I hang onto things. Particularly things that hurt me. When I think about that statement I think to myself, girl... why in the heck would you hang onto that stuff? It's toxic! But sometimes letting go is freaking hard. And that's often because letting go of something requires forgiveness. There are two types of forgiveness: 1) forgiving others, and 2) forgiving ourselves.

I have many things that I hold close to my heart. Things that are hard for me to talk about and resurrect, mostly because they hurt too much to think about them. What other people think about me has always mattered to me. I'm not sure why. And no amount of therapy has unlocked that box yet. I frequently have an inner voice that tells me I'm not good enough. I'm betting I'm not the only one who has this voice from time to time. But it's a song that has been on repeat in my head for most of my life. And it's that song... those lyrics... that make me question my dreams and doubt my abilities, and ultimately, when I listen to that voice, it's those words that set me back from doing what I want to do. Remember that lofty, very BIG dream... that is definitely one of them.

Let me tell you a story. One that's hard for me to tell, but I'm going to do so anyway because it's one of the first times in my life that I began to truly question my worthiness and value. It chipped away so much of my confidence, and I hate to even admit this, but I can still be very skittish in certain situations because of this event. When I was in 7th grade, I had a large group of friends. I dare say that most of them were part of the popular group. Although they were my friends, I still don't think I was ever that popular. And that's not meant to be a dig at myself. Just a reality. One day I woke up and everything was different. I went from being included to being completely ostracized. And I was clueless as to why. But it didn't take long for me to figure it out. One of my best friends, we'll call her B, had started a rumor. And it absolutely spread like wildfire. What was the horrible rumor that ultimately shaped the rest of my middle and high school years? That I masturbated in the bathtub. Even now, that statement is hard for me to swallow because it generates so much hurt... and anger! I even know the actual event that prompted my "friend" to say such a terrible thing. I was going to take a bath. An ordinary bath so that I could shave my legs. Seems harmless. I love baths, you know, a bath bomb, some music, my giant tub, and a glass of wine. I don't know if B meant to do as much damage as she did, but that one statement followed me for years. I was 13 years old (awkward, uncomfortable, and coming into my own), and other kids wanted nothing to do with me. In the span of 24 hours I lost nearly all of my friends. The next year of my life was trying. I had to go back to school, facing all those people who had abandoned me, and start over. I fell in with a group that wasn't necessarily good for me. That year I started drinking- yes, at 14- and I was sneaking out of my house all the time to run around with boys. At one point I was even busted for shoplifting. Going through the juvenile court system scared the pants off of me. But then I found my niche. I found winterguard. (You probably have absolutely no idea what that is- so google it. Specifically, Pride of Cincinnati.) That team is where I found my best friends that ultimately got me through the rest of school. That team became my family. And my instructor was so firm about her expectations of us that I gave up all the troubling things I was doing. I love the instructor I had and to this day idolize the heck out of her. She's amazing and she shaped so much of who I am today. I put my heart into that sport. And it served me well. At one point, before finding that team, I even had entertained the idea of transferring schools. In the end, I stayed. I couldn't leave the sport I loved and the team that I had. I managed to put my head down and get through the rest of school. But I was different because of what had happened. I was uncertain of myself; I felt ugly. At one point, the end of my junior year, when I thought all of that rumor was behind me, I was walking out of school and past a group of freshmen. Kids I didn't even know! And I overheard one of them say to their friends, "that's the girl who masturbates." I was mortified. They hadn't even been in my middle school with me when all of that exploded 4 years earlier. How did they even know about it? It meant people still talked about it.

I went on to graduate high school and then left for college. I moved away. Not far... a couple of hours, but far enough way where no one knew that rumor. I was the only person from my graduating class to go to my college. I had a clean slate. And it was amazing. But I had to literally tell myself, repeat over and over in my head whenever I had the opportunity to meet new people (which I had to do because I knew nobody!) I can do this. No one knows that story. They will like you. That first year of college took a lot of convincing to get myself to try new things and put myself in new social situations. Eventually I went on to become the president of the Big Friend/Little Friend organization at my college. I worked in a coordinator position for our Information Desk- everyone knew the people who worked the info desk. I met the people who became my very first, real, and honest friends. Friends I still have today. They are good people. And although we don't talk frequently (we all live in different states) we can pick up wherever we left off every time. I know they would drop everything to help me if I really needed it. I love these women.

But I still carry those scars around with me. I now live 1,300 miles away from that small town where all of that stuff happened. And whenever I go back, which is usually once a year because my family still lives there, I avoid like the plague the places I am most likely to run into those people that abandoned me all those years ago. To this day, I still have to convince myself to be outgoing when I meet new people- not to be timid or shy. I have to completely force myself to be outgoing in the beginning of my relationships with new people. Once I get to know you, I open up and I've found that I can be quite the leader, but it takes some fighting to bring myself to that place. So if you meet me, and I am reserved in the beginning, or quiet, or keep to myself, it's not because I'm trying to be a betch. It means I'm uncomfortable and unsure of myself. But also know that even when I am happy, and outgoing and leading the pack, that it took everything I had to get there.

We're all unsure of ourselves from time to time. And when it comes to my writing, that thing I told you I felt divinely designed to do, I really struggle with my confidence. What if people don't like it? What if someone gives me a bad review? Rachel says this:

"Someone else's opinion of me is none of my business."

For every one person who hasn't liked my books, there have three that have. So why then, when I look at those numbers, do I see the 1 and not the 3? I need to find a way to LET GO of what other people think. I have let other people's opinions of me shape who I am and what I think of myself for too long. Even though I share the stories in my books with other people, I ultimately write them for myself. And my genre is one genre. It's women's fiction. That's not everyone's cup of tea. There are tons of genres out there, and just because someone doesn't like my writing does not mean it's not worthy. My dreams matter. My opinion of myself is the only one that matters. Fortunately I have the greatest friends in my life today, and they help build me up. But how I ultimately see myself is up to me. It's time to let go and learn to love Nicole. She is capable of great things, and she matters.

"Someone else's opinion of you is none of your business. Those words are so powerful for anyone who tends to hold other people's opinions ahead of their own; and they are never more profound than when we're creating something. Maybe it's a book, a blog, a company, a piece of art, or your fashion sense. When you're creating something from your heart, you do it because you can't not do it. You produce it because you believe your creation deserves to be out in the world. You work and work and then you close your eyes and cross your fingers and hope it finds recognition. But here's the thing about that magical, mystical thing you're making: You create because you have a God-given ability to do so. You create as a gift to yourself and to the higher power who blessed you with those abilities. But you can't make people like or understand it."
~Rachel Hollis, Girl, Wash Your Face, Chapter 14: The Lie- I'm a Terrible Writer

Girl- where have you been all my life? You make the hairs on my arms stand up and inspire the heck out of me. Thanks for challenging that inner voice that's been holding me back all these years.