Disappointment is Inevitable... but Managing it is Possible

Okay, so wow, I cannot believe how much I've fallen off the blogging wagon, it's rather embarrassing, but I strongly believe that there is a season for everything, and we can have everything, however simply not at the same time. So I have had to prioritize and Girl, Dream It suffered at that hands of those things that took precedence over it. But alas, here I am. And my mind is so full, which could bode well for my blogging posts to come.

Today I want to address disappointment, and more importantly, how to cope and manage with it. This is a difficult topic for me to be completely objective on, as I tend to internalize people's negativity toward me, letting it upset me, and often cause my sensitive heart to break. I wallow for a few days and then pick up those pieces and move on, but a little skittish afterward. So managing disappointment... well, it's a journey and a process. But perhaps I can offer some insight as I'm actively trying to improve this skill in myself.

Back in March, I told my very personal story of my bipolar diagnosis and subsequent journey for treatment and wellbeing. I knew I would encounter nay-sayers, that is, people who would judge me and look down on me. And while my story affected many more than I could've imagined, reaching farther beyond what I could've dreamed it would, I did encounter those with nothing good to say. Despite the fact that I steeled myself for such reaction and opinion, a few of them stung. After all, I put all my vulnerability out there.

I had a couple who were rather opinionated and I just tried to dismiss them and their ignorance. But the truth is, I knew exactly the person who would judge me the most, who would hold my story and my diagnosis against me. She would let it be the definition of my character, and she would judge me and think poorly of me. And I was proven to be 100% correct. My mother-in-law.

Let me just say it straight up... she's a nasty woman, one of the worst. And she has mistreated me for more than a decade. And for some reason, I have repeatedly over the years let her treat me this way. And time after time I found myself overcome with hurt and disappointment. But this time, her nasty, awful comments didn't get to me. They should've. They were by far some of the worse things she's ever said of me... well, maybe that's not quite true, but close enough.

So I ask myself, why haven't her remarks hurt me now like they have in the past? Because I am learning to manage my disappointment. Which is so much harder than I thought it'd be.

The first step in this was simply knowing that as soon as I published that article that she would judge me and that her behavior to follow would be despicable. She'd never bite her tongue and would surely show her true colors. So, from the very beginning, I put up some tight walls around my heart. I was proven correct about her, but I had already put up my first line of defense. It was actually my husband who took the greatest offense to it. Which was pretty awesome, I mean, he wanted to be my warrior. He wasn't going to stand for it. But I took a breath and decided these two things:

1) She's a true witch, through and through. And that has nothing to do with me. (It's a harsh criticism, I know. But sometimes it's just a reality.)
and
2) Her opinion of me has absolutely nothing to do with me.

Wow... saying that right now (statement #2) even surprises me because this is such a new experience for me. But it's true. And by recognizing this, I didn't give her the power to crush my heart all over again. I actually managed to remain standing and strong in the wake of it. And that was a powerful and liberating thing. I can't control her and her behavior. She will likely always be nasty. But I can control myself. I can control how I react. True, it can still hurt. That old saying from elementary school: sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me is really total BS. But if I can take that hurt and find a way to let it strengthen me, then, in the end, it was all worth it. I think Ernest Hemingway says it best:

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are stronger at the broken places."

I wouldn't say that this woman has broken me - I'm made of sterner stuff than she imagines-  although she has left me feeling crushed from time to time. But most of the time in my life she rarely even crosses my mind, and I really only see her once a year, so it's not like I have to give her the time of day. But I think it's the little stuff along the road, over the many years, that just built up and up and up, and that's why even the smallest insult or offense hurt - because all the other hurt was just festering. But now I'm letting that go. And I know I can absolutely do this because her latest slap in the face didn't sting. It shocked, but it didn't sting. I had myself so in control of my emotions (likely because I was anticipating it all along - she's rather pathetically predictable). So now I ask myself, what can I do for myself that will help continue improving my coping skills when it comes to disappointment (which is always inevitable - even beyond my MIL). And this is what I decided:

1) Manage and adjust my expectations as needed. I try to hold myself to high standards - my work ethic, my morals, my loyalty - but not everyone does. The bar is more of a sliding scale depending on the person. It doesn't mean I can't hope for the best in people, but some just don't actually have the ability, or the drive, to set their bar where I like to set mine.

*Let me be clear that I know I am no exception to high standards. And while I set them high for myself, I still fall short. I am always, always, trying to improve myself.

2) Stop taking things personally. People's poor behaviors are a reflection of them and not me. So I need to just let their stuff go... because it's their's, not mine.

3) Manage my emotions. Despite what is done to me, I get to choose how I want it to affect me. It's okay if it hurts or stings, but it's up to me to decide how long to hang onto it. Forgive them, forgive myself. A friendly reminder... forgiving someone is not about them, it's not letting them off the hook, forgiving them is for me, so I can let go and move on. It doesn't mean they don't need to be accountable. It doesn't mean they should simply be let off the hook. It doesn't mean they should get away with it.

4) Accept that disappointment is inevitable and it is not a reflection of any personal failings. Bad things happen all the time. I can't control that. But what I can control is what I decide to do with it.

5) Take a step back and take a look at the big picture. Re-evaluate the situation. What can I do differently? What can I learn? What can I understand by taking a different approach to gain insight and clarity in the situation?

And lastly...
6) Just let it go. As I said in regards to my MIL - her choices are hers, and hers alone. And what someone thinks of me is their business, not mine. All I need to do is to continue to set the bar high for myself and continue my pursuit for personal growth.

Maybe you're already on top of all this in your life. And if so, I highly and enthusiastically applaud you. It's a difficult thing to do and I know that I have a hill ahead of me in this department. But I will remind myself daily that it is indeed possible to summit that hill.

So here's the love for all you amazing, powerful women out there... I hope that at least one thing I had to say can resonate with you. If not, it is at least helpful for me.

Love you all!
Nic

*Disclaimer - I injured myself pretty badly today and am on pain meds, so if there are typos, I hope you forgive them.