Go On, Be Brave

"Be brave enough to travel the unknown path, and learn what you are capable of." 

-Rachel Wolchin

What's in your heart? 

This time last year I was massively stressing out over my job. For my readers who have been in it for the long haul with me, you may recall that I was in a position and with a company that was literally sucking the life out of me. Maybe you're thinking that I sound rather feeble when I say that... and incredibly pessimistic, maybe even a little dramatic (or a lot). I mean, life is what you make it, right? I wasn't making the best of anything. I was repeatedly going back to someone (in this case, my job) that didn't value me or the hard work I did for them. Then I had a real slap-in-the-face awakening that told me that yes, the job sucked, but it was ultimately me who was making myself so miserable. I set the bar low for how I should be treated, and therefore, I was treated based on where I set that bar.

It was time to do something about it. It was time to make a change.

Writing is my passion, it sets my soul on fire. But even after two published novels, I still only described my writing as a hobby. I was making my passion, my skill, my accomplishments small. I was both afraid to have a big dream and to have that dream judged.

Enter: slap-in-the-face in the form of the book Girl, Wash Your Face. (I would like to say here that I truly loved this book and didn't just drink the Kool-Aid. I didn't, however, feel this way about Rachel Hollis's second book Girl, Stop Apologizing... but that's for a different day.)

It challenged my mindset. Why didn't I define myself as a writer? Why did I downplay my talent? Why couldn't I dream the big dream? Why did it matter what other people thought?

Then I had an idea... an epiphany, really... I was going to take control of my professional life. Goodbye life-sucking job. I was going to become a freelance writer. But how was I really going to do that? I have my published novels, which have done very well in a marginal audience, but those weren't about to cover my house payment. I needed more.

I was certain that this change of mindset was going to instantly change my life. I was so fired up. So, I started looking into writing jobs and contracts. I applied for so many. And although I often came in high in the running for many, ultimately I didn't book any of them. Gut punch.

I tried to remain steadfast in my excitement, but after three months I began losing steam. I mean, hadn't I decided to finally embrace the talent my God bestowed upon me? Hadn't I decided to fan the flame that burned deep inside? Surely that should've meant that things should've been happening for me. I absolutely needed to leave my job. But I was terrified to do that with nothing in place as a backup. Then I realized a very important thing: sure, I had decided to own my writing, letting writer be the definition of who I was and what I did, and I was finally putting myself out there, but only to people who were mere names, not faces. I didn't know any of them. I was applying for writing jobs on a national level. And writing can be done from anywhere, which means I was competing with other writers on a national level. I liken it to this - Hollywood is where you go if you want to be a celebrity actor and every talented wanna-be flocks there. In Hollywood, talented actors are a dime a dozen. In my case, talented writers applying for these writing jobs were also a dime a dozen. It was time to rethink my audience. This was my moment of truth... how brave was I really? I had to put myself out there for my existing network. A friend keenly and aptly pointed out that many people in my network knew I was a writer, what they didn't know is that I could be a writer for them. It was time to let go of my initial vision of what things had to look like for me to be a freelance writer and embrace something different. I had to stop forcing the dream and instead, let it take form on its own. And that's when things changed. It was through my network, the people I already knew, that my first writing contracts started coming in. And slowly word began to travel, my network began to grow, and so did my client list.

"You're going to be happy," said life. "But first I'm going to make you strong." - unknown

I walked away from that job that was so terrible for me. I walked away when I only had one writing job to fill its place. One. I didn't know if that made me irresponsible and insane, or brave and faithful. But I did it. And it wasn't until I let go of what was holding me back that I was finally able to move forward. 

Why do I tell this story? For two reasons: 1) to encourage you to not make yourself small - you matter, and 2) it's okay to start small - the key is to start. Everest wasn't climbed in a day, and no one starts in the middle, they all begin from the bottom and work hard, one step at a time, as they head for that summit.

So again, I ask you, what's in your heart? Do you not pursue your dream because you think it's folly? Does your dream scare you? Here's the deal - if it's in your heart, it's there for a reason; it isn't folly. And it absolutely should scare you. If it doesn't, it's not big enough. Everyone's dreams look different, so let go of the idea that yours has to look like someone else's to have any merit. Own everything about yourself that makes you you. Separate yourself from the masses and let your dream take true form, let it lead your way. Know that when you start out you will likely suck - even if you're pursuing that calling inside - and be okay with that. That's how we learn. When you're true to and honest with yourself, when you work hard, chipping away one step at a time, letting each bend or curve in the path be a lesson and an opportunity for growth, well, that's when you will find your way.

Go on... be brave.

My Gastroparesis Journey

Many of you tuned in back in the fall when I got sick, for no known reason, and was later diagnosed with a rare condition called Gastroparesis. I thought it would be a good time to share an update with you all.

First, what the heck is it? It's a motility issue with the stomach. Gastroparesis basically means stomach paralysis. In a nutshell, my stomach has a hard time contracting so my food can't break down. This limits what I can eat. The harder it is to break down, the sicker I am. My diagnosis has no known cause and is considered idiopathic.

Although I sit here feeling awful as I type, I can say with some optimism that things are going okay. For the most part. This has been a difficult, and challenging journey. And I never realized how much I took food, and my ability to eat so much (both quantity and variety) for granted. I feel a little (ok, a lot) robbed of this. Life is so short to not be able to splurge once in a great while. But I am learning, very quickly on days like today, that those splurges are certainly NOT worth it for me.

Two nights ago, my family had tacos for dinner. We used ground turkey instead of beef to accommodate me, and then I made the stupid decision to dress my taco with lettuce and tomato. Along with cheese and taco sauce (those two haven't been a problem). I was warned against lettuce on every site, pamphlet, print-out, and book I've consulted, but didn't actually know how I would respond to it, and well, let's be honest, there isn't a lot of lettuce that can fit into a crunchy taco. So I took the risk. And am still paying for it 48 hours later.

How I feel about Gastroparesis

For the next few days, I am back to a liquid diet. Which is a collection of random drinks to make sure I get as many calories, sugars and proteins that I can to sustain myself. Things like Gatorade, Sprite, Coke, Ginger Ale, and my personal favorite... fat-free beef bouillon. Throw in 6 crackers for three meals a day and that is my very enviable diet. I've had to do this a few times now, just to re-set my tummy, so to speak.

So, when I get sick, what is it like? I'll be straight with you... and if you decide it's TMI, well, I'm sorry about that. My symptoms are nausea (occasionally I vomit, but that hasn't been a prevailing issue... whew), a LOT of stomach pain. And in the stomach, so that pain is up in my ribcage, near my diaphragm. It's often the kind of pain that makes it impossible to breathe. Depending on the severity, ibuprofen can be semi-effective. Although not the cure. Terrible heart-burn and indigestion. Then (and here comes my favorite) flatulence. This one isn't immediate and tends to come on the tail-end of an episode, but it comes and it stinks. Seriously, I could clear a room in .3 seconds. This really can't be that much TMI... we all toot.

Now, I don't share this with you because I want any kind of pity. In fact, if you've got pity, check yourself at the door. I have enough for myself. I really am just sharing this journey, which is proving to be quite the rollercoaster. But if my track record for life, in general, is an indicator of anything, I am certain that I will be just fine. Right now I'm in trial and error phase. Error being lettuce on my taco. Another big mistake was popcorn. Oh yeah... that one was miserable. Even worse than the lettuce. I got yummy popcorn as a gift for Christmas, and couldn't resist because it was popcorn and that is TOTALLY one of my vices. Not anymore. I was definitely on my liquid diet after that one. And then on NYE, I went to a movie with my kids and friends, and I didn't even want one little kernel (and trust me when I say that is a true testament to how sick I had been that it would deter me so greatly... I NEVER shared movie popcorn). So now I can scratch those two items for sure off my list. On a plus side... Del Taco has a delicious beef and cheese burrito and when you ask for a taco without everything except beef and cheese, they really do fill that crunchy shell. I'm seeing a pattern here... tacos!

What, you may be wondering, do I eat these days (other than tacos)? It's not exciting, but I get so nervous to try things that I chicken out and go back to the bland and safe. White rice. I eat that stuff more than they do in Japan. No joke. Tim makes me a giant pot twice a week and I live on it. Bananas. Toast with sugar-free jam. Chicken. Pasta. Potatoes. Protein shakes, and a small glass of pomegranate juice once a day. But no meats like sausage, bacon, prosciutto, pork, or red meat that isn't ground. I can eat cake. Which is good, because as my birthday approaches, there will be cake. Lots of cake. And I'm not even going to be sorry I ate it because I can't eat most of the other things that I love. So take that gastroparesis! I can't even think about what else I actually do eat. Cheese pizza. And Diet Coke. And coffee. On low-calorie days, caffeine is my lifeline. Which actually can make others sick, but (KNOCK ON WOOD), I haven't had any problems. Man, reflecting on this diet is depressing, so I'm going wrap this up.

I've had a wonderful support system. This has been an emotional journey just as much as a physical one. Tim is so willing to accommodate me. And I'm learning that I like tofu more than I ever thought I would. Oh, tofu... you can add that to the list of what I can eat. If you invite me to a party that is centered around food, at least at this time in my journey, I may politely decline your invitation. Don't take it personally. If I plan ahead, I can still make a lunch date with you. And by all means, if you have any recipes out there that sound like something I can eat, send them my way!! I can always adjust accordingly.

I have so much love for my friends and family who've got my back right now. They're my crutch on days like today, which are totally pity-party days. But like I said, hold your pity. I got this.