Girl, You Got to Show Up

As school starts back up and I get my kids out of the house for eight hours during the day (insert equal tears and smiles from me), I get to take more time to focus on my business, on my writing. This is excellent because I'm still trying to pump out my next draft of my manuscript to make some writing deadlines with different publishers. But I also have more time for my clients. And I have time to take on more clients, or a larger load with who I already work with.

I am busy.

I had someone once tell me: "Oh, it must be so nice to work from home, to watch your kids and keep a clean house." Uh... what??? No, it's not always nice. Thankfully my kids are old enough that they can operate with a certain level of independence, but I'm still the one making the ramen, or mac & cheese. And a clean house? Forget about it. I'm working, not vacuuming. I've found it rather difficult to type on my computer while pushing the mop around. Sure, I can toss in and switch out loads of laundry, but I definitely don't have time to sit down and fold it. Not if I want to keep up with my work. And I want to keep up with my work.

For some people, the idea of a working mom is equal to running through the playground spewing cuss words. And the middle-class culture I live in doesn't always help things (and umm, it's Utah). I'm surrounded by stay-at-home moms. If I had numbers, they would be staggering. For some, that's just the life they want. It's how they want to be there for their family. For others, it's the indisputable truth that daycare is expensive. Sometimes it's just not realistic for both parents to be out of the house. In fact, taking a position working from home for the first time was greatly influenced by the lack of childcare I had to pay. The challenge being that I'm trying to work WHILE parenting. Anyone with kids knows that parenting is a full-time job, so adding another job was difficult. But I worked for two reasons, and I'm not ashamed to admit either:
1) I needed the income. The lifestyle I like requires two incomes at my house. Could I live on just my husband's income? Absolutely. Knowing the average income in the US, I know that many, many, people do live on that income or less. (I'm not saying this to elevate myself or socioeconomic status in ANY way - I'm just saying what our reality is. Plenty of peeps earn way more than us.)
2) I have to work... for myself. I did the at-home mom thing. Were there parts that I absolutely loved? Here is my very emphatic YES! But I needed more for myself. Working rewards me personally. And most of the time it makes me happy. (Sans those inevitable stressful days.)
So do I think more or less of moms who stay at home? More or less of moms who work? No way, Jose!

Parenting is tough stuff... I applaud all mothers out there. 

Stepping into the role of a small business owner changed a lot for me. Suddenly I only had myself to be accountable to. I mean, yes, I have to be accountable to my clients and the work they pay me for, but if I don't keep myself on task or working hard, those clients are going to go elsewhere.

I've told the story a million times (okay, not really, but I've told it before), but last fall I left my reliable job that I hated and went into business for myself, where business was unreliable, but my happiness was assured because I was doing what I loved. And here's what I've learned, and hopefully I can impart my wisdom on at least one of you readers... If you want something, you've got to do the work. What I wanted? To freelance write. And raise my kids. And to do both I have to hustle. Let me say that again... I have to hustle. Do things get difficult? Yes. Do I give up? No! I had to learn the hard way how to admit to myself that I was unhappy because of me, not my old job. I had to own that I was a product of my choices rather than my circumstances. Yes, things get handed to us every day that we have no control over, but it's what I do, it's the decisions I make that ultimately put me where I am.

If you want something, you have to do the work. 

If you want something, you have to do the work. It's as simple as that. I learned that if I wanted to get all my clients' social media posts ready to go (images, too), I had to step away from the Hallmark channel. I had to prioritize. Can the Hallmark movie be more fun than my work, well, sometimes, yes. But by not prioritizing my work, by not doing the work, I'm not going to get what I want. I'm not going to make it down the road to that destination I have in my mind. So I hustle. I push through. I make the ramen. I say no to Hallmark. I say yes to my work. I show up - for myself. Because that's how I'm going to make a difference - a difference in my life, in my children's lives, in my husband's life, and a difference in my future. And that's how I'm going to get the things I want, reach my goals, and see my vision come to fruition.

So if you've learned anything from my ramblings today, I hope it's this:
1) You are what you choose.
2) If you want something, you have to put in the work. You have to show up.

Girl, you already have what it takes. Don't just dream it, get it.

Go On, Be Brave

"Be brave enough to travel the unknown path, and learn what you are capable of." 

-Rachel Wolchin

What's in your heart? 

This time last year I was massively stressing out over my job. For my readers who have been in it for the long haul with me, you may recall that I was in a position and with a company that was literally sucking the life out of me. Maybe you're thinking that I sound rather feeble when I say that... and incredibly pessimistic, maybe even a little dramatic (or a lot). I mean, life is what you make it, right? I wasn't making the best of anything. I was repeatedly going back to someone (in this case, my job) that didn't value me or the hard work I did for them. Then I had a real slap-in-the-face awakening that told me that yes, the job sucked, but it was ultimately me who was making myself so miserable. I set the bar low for how I should be treated, and therefore, I was treated based on where I set that bar.

It was time to do something about it. It was time to make a change.

Writing is my passion, it sets my soul on fire. But even after two published novels, I still only described my writing as a hobby. I was making my passion, my skill, my accomplishments small. I was both afraid to have a big dream and to have that dream judged.

Enter: slap-in-the-face in the form of the book Girl, Wash Your Face. (I would like to say here that I truly loved this book and didn't just drink the Kool-Aid. I didn't, however, feel this way about Rachel Hollis's second book Girl, Stop Apologizing... but that's for a different day.)

It challenged my mindset. Why didn't I define myself as a writer? Why did I downplay my talent? Why couldn't I dream the big dream? Why did it matter what other people thought?

Then I had an idea... an epiphany, really... I was going to take control of my professional life. Goodbye life-sucking job. I was going to become a freelance writer. But how was I really going to do that? I have my published novels, which have done very well in a marginal audience, but those weren't about to cover my house payment. I needed more.

I was certain that this change of mindset was going to instantly change my life. I was so fired up. So, I started looking into writing jobs and contracts. I applied for so many. And although I often came in high in the running for many, ultimately I didn't book any of them. Gut punch.

I tried to remain steadfast in my excitement, but after three months I began losing steam. I mean, hadn't I decided to finally embrace the talent my God bestowed upon me? Hadn't I decided to fan the flame that burned deep inside? Surely that should've meant that things should've been happening for me. I absolutely needed to leave my job. But I was terrified to do that with nothing in place as a backup. Then I realized a very important thing: sure, I had decided to own my writing, letting writer be the definition of who I was and what I did, and I was finally putting myself out there, but only to people who were mere names, not faces. I didn't know any of them. I was applying for writing jobs on a national level. And writing can be done from anywhere, which means I was competing with other writers on a national level. I liken it to this - Hollywood is where you go if you want to be a celebrity actor and every talented wanna-be flocks there. In Hollywood, talented actors are a dime a dozen. In my case, talented writers applying for these writing jobs were also a dime a dozen. It was time to rethink my audience. This was my moment of truth... how brave was I really? I had to put myself out there for my existing network. A friend keenly and aptly pointed out that many people in my network knew I was a writer, what they didn't know is that I could be a writer for them. It was time to let go of my initial vision of what things had to look like for me to be a freelance writer and embrace something different. I had to stop forcing the dream and instead, let it take form on its own. And that's when things changed. It was through my network, the people I already knew, that my first writing contracts started coming in. And slowly word began to travel, my network began to grow, and so did my client list.

"You're going to be happy," said life. "But first I'm going to make you strong." - unknown

I walked away from that job that was so terrible for me. I walked away when I only had one writing job to fill its place. One. I didn't know if that made me irresponsible and insane, or brave and faithful. But I did it. And it wasn't until I let go of what was holding me back that I was finally able to move forward. 

Why do I tell this story? For two reasons: 1) to encourage you to not make yourself small - you matter, and 2) it's okay to start small - the key is to start. Everest wasn't climbed in a day, and no one starts in the middle, they all begin from the bottom and work hard, one step at a time, as they head for that summit.

So again, I ask you, what's in your heart? Do you not pursue your dream because you think it's folly? Does your dream scare you? Here's the deal - if it's in your heart, it's there for a reason; it isn't folly. And it absolutely should scare you. If it doesn't, it's not big enough. Everyone's dreams look different, so let go of the idea that yours has to look like someone else's to have any merit. Own everything about yourself that makes you you. Separate yourself from the masses and let your dream take true form, let it lead your way. Know that when you start out you will likely suck - even if you're pursuing that calling inside - and be okay with that. That's how we learn. When you're true to and honest with yourself, when you work hard, chipping away one step at a time, letting each bend or curve in the path be a lesson and an opportunity for growth, well, that's when you will find your way.

Go on... be brave.

The Purposeful Woman

I am so excited to introduce you all to this month's Purposeful Woman. Krysten is an amazing woman who balances a full-time career, a personal consulting business, as well as a family. She tells the powerful story of how she and her husband struggled with the heartbreak of infertility, and how she used her personal business as a way to rise above. Today, she is raising awareness to the harmful ingredients we use in our everyday products, and what we can do to better ourselves and our health by switching to safer products. She is a woman who lifts up others and encourages all women to follow their dreams.

Krysten and Aaron have been married for seven years, and together, with a home on the lake in central Minnesota, they are raising their two beautiful daughters: Addison (almost 4), and Emilia (7 months). Krysten, who earned her undergrad from the University of Minnesota, Duluth in psychology, and a masters in Counseling Psychology from St. Cloud State University, works for the College of Saint Benedict in student accessibility services. She provides students with disabilities additional academic and housing support. In addition to this career, she also balances a consulting business with the Beautycounter, a B-Corp, whose mission is to raise awareness of harmful ingredients in personal care products, provide safer solutions, and push for more protective health laws in the personal care industry.

Years ago, I followed Krysten's food blog, which she had built during her stint as a stay-at-home mom after the birth of Addie. She had the best recipes and made even me, a kitchen-inept woman, feel I could pull off some culinary masterpieces. Sadly, it's not possible to balance everything and she has since let that venture go. "It was a lot of work! Maybe some day I'll bring it back." That would be amazing. 

How does Krysten describe herself in three words? Driven. Straight-forward. Honest. "Doesn't seem to make me seem well-rounded; it should be something like... mom." But in a world of Minnesota-nice, "I always like to know where I stand. People can always know where they stand with me."

Krysten's born-and-bred Minnesota girl shines through when she describes her favorite things as her family, "being on the water", and a "nice cocktail." She sipped away on one of those while we had this interview. With the lake in the distance. My Minnesota heart yearned to be physically with her. Some of her other favorites? "I'm going to sound like a giant hick right now, but I love country music. I am a country girl." Specifically, 90s country. "I also listen to a lot of kid-bop. Which sometimes I just listen to because it's, literally, all the hits. It's so funny how they change the lyrics, just a little bit, so that you're like... pumping that water," she says with a laugh. All moms out there will know exactly what she means. Her favorite book is Girl, Wash Your Face, by Rachel Hollis. "Every word of that book I'm like, yes! yes! yes! It's just so darn good!" 

Krysten had no hesitation when asked about her favorite food. "Tortellini Straw and Hay from Ciatti's." (Which, sadly, is now closed.) "I would eat it like it was my job. And I have tried over and over again to perfect that recipe and I just can't do it." Ironically, it was this very recipe from her blog that I served to all on my bunco ladies for dinner one night, years ago.

"What is your first thought in the morning?" 

"How many times can I hit snooze? Do I have to wash my hair?" Insert fingers into the hair for a wash check. "Then I start going through what needs to happen in the morning. Calculate."

Parenting is tough, and Krysten knows just as well as any mom out there. So, Krysten, "what would you describe as your parenting motto?" 

"We're the boss. What we say goes. I think we're pretty strict. And then I heard this thing a while ago about how the way you talk to your kids becomes their inner-voice. So I try to watch what I say. I want to boost [Addie's] confidence."

Marriage. Krysten and her husband Aaron have been married for seven years. Although they knew each other in high school, it wasn't until they were in college that they began dating. "He asked me to come with him to a party and it was Olympics themed, so he was dressed like a figure skater. Tight pants, buttoned shirt, shaved chest. And I was like, yes!" Krysten describes sitting on their beach together after the kids go to bed as one of her favorite things to do with Aaron. 

"How do you prioritize your marriage?" 

"Well, I think it's the little things. Texts. Just checking in with the other person to see how they are. And also giving each other space for ourselves. It's a balance." The one word she uses to describe their marriage? "Team."

"How do you prioritize your health?"

"I try! It's something I need to be better at. For a while, I did get motivated to do something about it but then my milk supply tanked. And so I stopped. Reluctantly. I had to feed my baby. I mean, I try to eat well and walk, but I do need to do more."

"What makes you feel beautiful?"

"Happiness." Which is pretty much a perfect response from her because Krysten is a beautiful woman whose beauty is only magnified by her generosity, kindness, and happiness. She absolutely oozes happiness.

"What is the one thing you would improve about yourself?"

"I would be more patient. Both with others and myself."

"What do you do to treat yourself?"

"A bath. A good bath. The View. I watch it every night when Aaron is putting Addie to bed. I started watching it when Addie was a baby and I still watch it every day. I feel like those women are my friends. And I love Meghan McCain. She doesn't care what anybody thinks!"

One of the people who inspire Krysten the most is her mom. "That might be cheesy." But as women, aren't we trying to lift each other up, raise our daughters to be incredible women? I'd say it's a true testament to her mom when she says that she inspires here. "She worked full-time as a professional, and has always encouraged [my brother and I] to chase our dreams and work hard. Oh, and to have fun along the way. To truly enjoy the little moments."

"What is one of your biggest dreams? Don't be shy!"

"Only one?" she said with a laugh. "I want to be managing director for my company, I'd love to have a coffee shop, and a resort. On the lake. There are no good coffee shops around here. It's time. It's needed. And I want some good coffee!"

"How do you manage the voice of doubt when it comes to those dreams?"

"Minus parenting, I don't usually have those thoughts. With parenting, I'm like, I don't know what to do. But in business, I don't usually have those thoughts. It's a matter of how am I going to do this. And with parenting, I do a lot of research. I'm a big researcher and try to figure out milestones and how to approach things. I'm just a figure-outer and have kind of squashed 'I can't do this.' I'm like, okay, I've got to figure out how to do this."

About four years ago, when Krysten was still blogging, a friend started posting on Facebook about a company called Beautycounter, and it piqued Krysten's curiosity. "I am a product junkie!" And when the opportunity came, they collaborated on the blog and Krysten was able to try her first Beautycounter product. "I fell in love with the cleansing balm. I told Aaron, I don't want to do the consulting, but this is the discount and I want to buy a bunch of cleansing balm. Run the math! But then, after a few days, I thought, 'I can do this'. At the time, I was a stay-at-home mom, and Addie wasn't napping and honestly, I was just miserable as a stay-at-home mom. That makes me feel like a bad mom, but it just wasn't for me. I needed more interaction, and more goals." 

What is Beautycounter? It's a direct retail company that advocates for safer products for everyone, Beautycounter or not. There are over 1,400 ingredients that have been banned in personal care products in the EU, but in the USA, there are 30. There has been no legislation passed in the USA to regulate personal care products since 1938. Beautycounter is unique in that they have the Never List, which contains over 1,500 ingredients that they have banned from their products. They lobby for better legislation for the regulation of all personal care products. Currently, Beautycounter offers safer options for skin-care and anti-aging regimens, cosmetics, as well as body products, including a line for babies and children. "It's for the whole family."

Beautycounter team advocating for stricter regulation.

"After I decided I was going to do the consulting, I decided that I should probably look into the safer products aspect, as it seemed a big deal for the company. I started looking at the products I was using with Addie and I was like, holy crap! I thought I was doing right by what I was putting on her. But I so wasn't. And I was shocked." Krysten then went to the other women in her life: her mom, who was a nurse practitioner, and her friends, who were also moms like her, and no one was aware of any of it. "I felt like I needed to start telling people! And that's how my business started to grow." While learning about the harmful ingredients that prevail in so many products we use everyday, Krysten learned some shocking information when she took a deeper look into the products she was using. "I found there were so many that could be causing hormone disruption, and reproductive harm, among other things." Before Addie, Krysten and her husband suffered major, and repeated heartbreak with the loss of five pregnancies, "that I know of.". After extensive testing, their diagnosis was bleak. It was unexplained infertility. "It's almost better to have an actual diagnosis so we could have figured out what to do with that." The realization of the potential harm the products they used were causing "just lit this fire inside me. We suffered heartbreak so many times, and I decided, that, as a mom, I have to share this with as many people as I can." Krysten made the switch to safer products with everything in her house, from personal care, to detergents, to cleaning products. "I started hitting it hard. And then, in between Addie and Emmie, we had zero miscarriages." Krysten has no absolute proof that there is a link between her fertility and the products she is using, but it's also an idea that's hard to dismiss outright. 

Krysten's long-term goals for her role in the company are to achieve managing director, which is the highest position in the company, and to continue to grow and expand her team. "The more voices we have to share this mission, the more people we will have that will be educated." 

"One of the biggest loves and challenges I face is seeing so much potential in others to share Beautycounter!  I absolutely love seeing others take the reins of their own business. This is also the tough part, as I see so much potential in others and know that with a little grit, patience, and persistence, a consultant could take this business wherever their heart desires... and not seeing him or her go after that potential is hard!"

"If you could choose only one item from your product line, what would it be?" "Oh boy. I'm going to cheat on the cleansing balm and say the overnight resurfacing peel. Because [it] is magical!