Go On, Be Brave

"Be brave enough to travel the unknown path, and learn what you are capable of." 

-Rachel Wolchin

What's in your heart? 

This time last year I was massively stressing out over my job. For my readers who have been in it for the long haul with me, you may recall that I was in a position and with a company that was literally sucking the life out of me. Maybe you're thinking that I sound rather feeble when I say that... and incredibly pessimistic, maybe even a little dramatic (or a lot). I mean, life is what you make it, right? I wasn't making the best of anything. I was repeatedly going back to someone (in this case, my job) that didn't value me or the hard work I did for them. Then I had a real slap-in-the-face awakening that told me that yes, the job sucked, but it was ultimately me who was making myself so miserable. I set the bar low for how I should be treated, and therefore, I was treated based on where I set that bar.

It was time to do something about it. It was time to make a change.

Writing is my passion, it sets my soul on fire. But even after two published novels, I still only described my writing as a hobby. I was making my passion, my skill, my accomplishments small. I was both afraid to have a big dream and to have that dream judged.

Enter: slap-in-the-face in the form of the book Girl, Wash Your Face. (I would like to say here that I truly loved this book and didn't just drink the Kool-Aid. I didn't, however, feel this way about Rachel Hollis's second book Girl, Stop Apologizing... but that's for a different day.)

It challenged my mindset. Why didn't I define myself as a writer? Why did I downplay my talent? Why couldn't I dream the big dream? Why did it matter what other people thought?

Then I had an idea... an epiphany, really... I was going to take control of my professional life. Goodbye life-sucking job. I was going to become a freelance writer. But how was I really going to do that? I have my published novels, which have done very well in a marginal audience, but those weren't about to cover my house payment. I needed more.

I was certain that this change of mindset was going to instantly change my life. I was so fired up. So, I started looking into writing jobs and contracts. I applied for so many. And although I often came in high in the running for many, ultimately I didn't book any of them. Gut punch.

I tried to remain steadfast in my excitement, but after three months I began losing steam. I mean, hadn't I decided to finally embrace the talent my God bestowed upon me? Hadn't I decided to fan the flame that burned deep inside? Surely that should've meant that things should've been happening for me. I absolutely needed to leave my job. But I was terrified to do that with nothing in place as a backup. Then I realized a very important thing: sure, I had decided to own my writing, letting writer be the definition of who I was and what I did, and I was finally putting myself out there, but only to people who were mere names, not faces. I didn't know any of them. I was applying for writing jobs on a national level. And writing can be done from anywhere, which means I was competing with other writers on a national level. I liken it to this - Hollywood is where you go if you want to be a celebrity actor and every talented wanna-be flocks there. In Hollywood, talented actors are a dime a dozen. In my case, talented writers applying for these writing jobs were also a dime a dozen. It was time to rethink my audience. This was my moment of truth... how brave was I really? I had to put myself out there for my existing network. A friend keenly and aptly pointed out that many people in my network knew I was a writer, what they didn't know is that I could be a writer for them. It was time to let go of my initial vision of what things had to look like for me to be a freelance writer and embrace something different. I had to stop forcing the dream and instead, let it take form on its own. And that's when things changed. It was through my network, the people I already knew, that my first writing contracts started coming in. And slowly word began to travel, my network began to grow, and so did my client list.

"You're going to be happy," said life. "But first I'm going to make you strong." - unknown

I walked away from that job that was so terrible for me. I walked away when I only had one writing job to fill its place. One. I didn't know if that made me irresponsible and insane, or brave and faithful. But I did it. And it wasn't until I let go of what was holding me back that I was finally able to move forward. 

Why do I tell this story? For two reasons: 1) to encourage you to not make yourself small - you matter, and 2) it's okay to start small - the key is to start. Everest wasn't climbed in a day, and no one starts in the middle, they all begin from the bottom and work hard, one step at a time, as they head for that summit.

So again, I ask you, what's in your heart? Do you not pursue your dream because you think it's folly? Does your dream scare you? Here's the deal - if it's in your heart, it's there for a reason; it isn't folly. And it absolutely should scare you. If it doesn't, it's not big enough. Everyone's dreams look different, so let go of the idea that yours has to look like someone else's to have any merit. Own everything about yourself that makes you you. Separate yourself from the masses and let your dream take true form, let it lead your way. Know that when you start out you will likely suck - even if you're pursuing that calling inside - and be okay with that. That's how we learn. When you're true to and honest with yourself, when you work hard, chipping away one step at a time, letting each bend or curve in the path be a lesson and an opportunity for growth, well, that's when you will find your way.

Go on... be brave.